Original draft.
Shudder, these leaves scuffle
in the admission of winter
in the yellowing stillness
that faces you, bleeding mindlessness;
You are a fool, you are death,
where eyes decipher
the plea in the thorns
of a mother’s tree,
and the godhood in the horizon,
that wept in smothered dark,
alone in Elysium
labor in the embrace
the tumult of colors in the sky
illuming disarray at the end,
alive to drown.
© 2020 lucysworks.com All Rights Reserved.
Revised version.
Shudder, these leaves scuffle
the admission of winter
in the yellowing stillness
that faces you, bleeding mindlessness;
You are a fool, you are death,
where eyes decipher
and wept in the dark
alone in Elysium
labor in the embrace,
illuming disarray at the end,
alive to drown.
© 2020 lucysworks.com All Rights Reserved.
Reposted 7/14/2021.
46 responses to “Alive (to drown).”
Lovely work Lucy! 🙂
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Thank you! 😊
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Good one….
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Thank you.
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A beautifully sad eulogy of the god-man drowning in his discontent. At the same time, there is a kind of heroic striving in this. Death has pathos only because of the struggle to live, even if that struggle ultimately is futile and mindless. The same water that drowns also nourishes the imagination. The imagination may be delusion, but even that is something when confronted with the sheer loneliness of Elysium. You have done a great job with expressing the torment here in naturalistic and temporal terms which heightens the drama onto a cosmological stage.
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Thank you, thank you so much for your feedback. I really enjoyed reading it, and you really hit the nail on the head with the major themes communicated throughout this poem. 😀
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Wow. This feedback reminds me of university. The good old days of the wise lions teaching the cubs how to hunt.
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We are all in the lion’s pride together foraging the poetic mysteries to be found in the jungle.
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Nice poem… I should do poetry more often…
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Thanks!
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I like the 2 lines you changed in your revised piece Lucy….
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Thank you! 😀
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so beautifl Lucy! I really loved it! ❤
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I am so glad to hear that, Carol. Thank you! 😀
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love the wordplay in this esp ‘the plea in the thorns of a mother’s tree’
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Thank you so much! 🙂
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Great work Lucy!
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Thank you! ❤️
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What a change removing “tumult of colour” … Because it brings to mind a cheerier image. Thank you letting us see both versions.
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Thank you for your feedback. ❤️❤️
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Great👍
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Thank you
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An absolutely gorgeous exploration of the paradox of life. Love it, Lucy.
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Thank you!
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Welcome!!
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Very well written, Lucy.
The description of flash moments, excellent work.
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Thank you so much!
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Yes .. the omission of a few lines and altering few words definitely tempered your poem with more snap and smack …
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Thank you, Ivor!
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A wonderful poem Lucy, love the dark themes and the language you use.👏
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Thank you so much!
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Masterful! 👌
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Thank you!
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Beautifully written! I loved the wordplay, lovely work ❤️
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Thank you so much, AB! ❤️❤️
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Very stark & vivid imagery here! Beautifully written.
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Thank you, Tom!
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Guess who is finally exploring Lucy’s blog hehe. I love this!! It’s haunting and eerie but beautiful at the same time, amazing piece(s)!
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Long time, no see stranger. 😉
Thank you so much for the kind words, Gabby. I always cherish your feedback. ❤️❤️
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Oh. My. Lanta.
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😁❤️
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👆🏼
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The revised version is tighter and more impactful and the opening line is so evocative. ❤️
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Thank you, Punam. ❤️
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My pleasure. 😊
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❤️❤️
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