Fuchsias.

Posted on by Lucy 
My black heart, you disappointment
even my ghosts know that;
but the eyes I came back to
would not know this,

even death betrays a snow flower
I mistook it as a calling
like the bluebird I suffocate
I want to gift you my absence 
as it’s better than my presence my 
roots collapse in white moonrise; 
the rose bush is axed
kneeled onto someone’s knee

As my heart whores 
for her own blood
it’s mechanized at this point

no, I shouldn’t think this way but I can’t (look), 
only unshackle from Alice’s bridge
	walking into the godhood of the sun
with its vultures withstood;

(before) I was age fifteen
I drove myself insane;

my bugged eyes hugged conch shores
once, before being still;

a game of chess with my mom at eighteen
when I wanted to go to bed so badly
at three in the morning somehow made me feel better;
(you) never know 
how it’s these things that keep you alive.

Almost twenty and I thought 
I found some white in my hair
how unsurprising;
I (leap), I thought wasn’t it spring 
that sold my uncle’s death;
I didn’t understand it then, but I miss him now
beside the empty photographs
as a child, I always
thought he and grandpa looked alike, 
despite not being related.

I just lament my fuchsias
when death comes during ides,
and keep breathing.

© 2021 Pseudopsychosis All Rights Reserved.

Written for the 7/27/2021 dVerse prompt.

Sometimes, I like to share the music inspirations behind my poems and this one was “Poison Heart (Tripped Mix)” by Depeche Mode. The dark synths and bass just do it for me.

Published by Lucy

"Poetess of darkness"–dVerse community; cat hoarder, guitarist, keyboardist, psych major.

49 thoughts on “Fuchsias.”

  1. Not sure what the proverb is here, but your writing is always well worth the visit. “It’s mechanized at this point”…that’s sharp as a torn steel edge.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. The imagery is strong and gothic throughout, hauled from some very imaginative depths
    “my bugged eyes hugged conch shores
    once, before being still;”

    I have read this several times Lucy and the darkness seems at odds with the title flowers except there are sexual overtones in the name and the ages described here are those disturbing times. The proverb is something the young can never hear

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Laura! I actually did not realize there were sexual overtones in the title. I wanted to communicate how it’s important to keep going even if you’re at a very low point mentally and emotionally. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  7. “I want to gift you my absence as it’s better than my presence” Punched me right in the feels ❤ I wish I could not relate to that line but I am glad you were able to say what I could not put into words. You think it would be easy enough to say, but sometimes, it’s just not. Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, though I’m sorry you can relate to that line too. It’s hard, dealing with these thoughts. It’s never easy to say especially when you have loved ones that want nothing more than to help you. The heartbreak they felt, it’s something I want to forget.

      Thank you for your kind comment again. I think we often feel alone in our thoughts and feelings, but then we realize there are others who just might get it.

      Like

    1. I don’t know if we’ll ever figure that out entirely. Guess it’s part of the human experience. Thank you for your feedback, I always enjoy hearing what you think. ❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  10. This is such a deliciously strong and satisfying write, Lucy! I am especially moved by “I want to gift you my absence as it’s better than my presence my roots collapse in white moonrise; the rose bush is axed kneeled onto someone’s knee.”💝

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Listened to the song while reading this – they match so perfectly, with the dark vibes. I really love the way you use colour in this poem, from the “snow flower” to “bluebirds” and the “fuchsias”! I also like how the more intense images like “white moonrise” are blended together in this poem with everyday images like a game of chess and finding white hairs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, thank you so much Fern! ❤ ❤ I didn’t realize how much color I put in this poem, hahaha. And I’m glad you thought the song fit with the piece, it was interesting writing with it in the background–really trying to encapsulate those dark vibes and different depths of love, death, and self-hate.

      Thank you again. ❤

      Like

  16. Gestation is also an underworld harrow, the rending torture of becoming real deep in the earth and giving slow birth to the next. Deep down this poem works it out, with eyes narrowed to the task of leaping …

    Liked by 1 person

  20. This poem is at once moving and so visual with such fallen fairytale imagery. It has your signature dark side but is all the more beautiful for it. The whole of the second stanza is my favourite, along with the lines:
    “As my heart whores
    for her own blood
    it’s mechanized at this point”
    You make life and death dance with each other – I get this sense every single time I read your work.
    I also find these lines so poignant:
    “a game of chess with my mom at eighteen
    when I wanted to go to bed so badly
    at three in the morning somehow made me feel better;
    (you) never know
    how it’s these things that keep you alive.” Such a comforting feeling around this scene. I always think part of us is just seeking some kind of comfort in all the little nooks and crannies, some offering of belonging. And I really feel this in this stanza.
    Beautiful ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so very much, Sunra! I always like to explore the different views of life and death—I’m happy you think that too.

      I agree, I think we want to feel at home with what we offer as ourselves and our identity. Without belonging, we feel distressed and awkward, like a puzzle piece that just won’t fit.

      Thank you again for your lovely words. ❤️❤️ They’ve warmed my heart.

      Like

  21. I’m afraid I didn’t pick the proverb (until I read some comments) but I love the poem. It felt deep and sad and sharp and tangled. Many images surprised me into re-reading them to fully taste their flowering. Really amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

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