as rain ends.

Lucy, 
Ostinato
from warship snake to blood
forget me more, the fuschia
is naked mistaken 
for life; I could never understand abandonment
but I drift in psych lectures

from the moment her words form
it’s not perverse, it’s not solitude
there is only loneliness when I know
I left my subconscious to nightmares,
a blood-tree to fall on 
my pet virus, mad before in winter;

languidly,
I wrought with sweat, slowing my heartbeat
neurochemical duress, the labor of my body
aglows, destitution in mental illness; a fragmented 
waste of sperm, I am,
and flowers in a name of mine
had always been brought in summer
as memories mock me, never letting me forget

I can’t rearrange it, and I’ve lost even more
glimpses of it; I blacked out once, and woke up
ready to smash my bathroom mirror. If my alter ego dies,
I’ll gladly send it to sea;
phantasmagoria
I was quiet in a moment, if she dies, I’ll feel nothing;
Gooseflesh stirs upon my sheets,
bones restless from patriarch disease
rubbing alcohol numbs my wounds,
sheltered, like snow-white skin, I’ll sleep
as the rain ends.

© 2021 lucysworks.com All Rights Reserved.

Written for the 08/31/2021 dVerse prompt: Oral poetry.

Published by Lucy

"Poetess of darkness"–dVerse community; cat hoarder, guitarist, keyboardist, psych major.

55 Comments

  1. I always enjoy reading your work, Lucy ❤ This is very dream sequence-esque and reminded me of that scene in Donnie Darko when he’s doubting his own vision as he looks in the mirror.

    I enjoyed the line: “bones restless from patriarch disease” – it reminded me of the Handmaid’s Tale and the agitation the handmaids feel at their predicament. Excuse the film references! I seem to only think that way sometimes!

    Hope you are well ❤

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    1. I do not mind the film references, I actually enjoy them very much and it gives me a broader perspective in how others view my work and even insight to theatre of all kinds (including films). I find it fascinating!

      Thank you so very much. I am doing well, just mainly tired these days. I hope all is well on your end too. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  2. It seems like a nightmare, but this line stood out to me, and kind of made me laugh (the way you do in the midst of something horrible). 😀
    “If my alter ego dies,
    I’ll gladly send it to sea;”

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Hahaha, you make me feel like Morrissey when you say that—some of his lyrics are so brutally honest and absurd, I’ve laughed when listening to The Smiths discography.

      I always love reading your thoughts especially with how you interpreted this piece. It’s a nightmare through and through, and I’ve been touching that existential nerve in my chest that makes me question everything. I think I reflect that a little, but I am glad you enjoyed those lines in particular. They were meant to serve as something… confessional but also dark in humor. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    1. Aww, thank you. Pet virus—I stole that from “Milk it” by Nirvana. But, I’ve seen it thrown around here and there, especially with mental illness in poetry and the like. It’s an interesting branch of imagery in those two words.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  4. This is deliciously dark! I especially like; “I left my subconscious to nightmares, a blood-tree to fall on my pet virus, mad before in winter.” Sigh .. epic rhythm and flow here .. kudos, Lucy! 💝💝

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  7. Another intense and introspective piece. As you battle with you self throughout you finally come to this line….
    If my alter ego dies,
    I’ll gladly send it to sea;

    And then interestingly think how boring your life would be without it!
    Well done Lucy.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. How boring it would be indeed. The parts we play build our character, we’re always a different person around different people. A mask beyond the masks we wear these days, really. I thank you so much for your thoughts and feedback, Dwight!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  10. How heartbreaking the lines ‘a fragmented/ waste of sperm, I am.’ Self-hatred often has a big role to play in mental illness; I think the two go hand in hand, but it’s always unwarranted, and that is the great tragedy. A tragedy you delve into and pick apart so adeptly here Lucy! ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  11. So fricken potent, poignant and powerful. Your poems are like a window into a wounded heart – mind – soul. I gravitate like to the honesty of suffering in this, shards of a dropped glass, on the kitchen floor, to bare feet. I read it twice – I think it gave me “neurochemical duress”.

    Always a journey, being here, amongst your words. ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much, John. I am happy you enjoyed my poem. Apologies for such a delayed response, I had been burnt out from poetry and am really only now just slowly inching back into it.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  23. Pingback: as rain ends. – MAD Production. Company.

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