as rain ends.

Ostinato
from warship snake to blood
forget me more, the fuschia
is naked mistaken 
for life; I could never understand abandonment
but I drift in psych lectures

from the moment her words form
it’s not perverse, it’s not solitude
there is only loneliness when I know
I left my subconscious to nightmares,
a blood-tree to fall on 
my pet virus, mad before in winter;

languidly,
I wrought with sweat, slowing my heartbeat
neurochemical duress, the labor of my body
aglows, destitution in mental illness; a fragmented 
waste of sperm, I am,
and flowers in a name of mine
had always been brought in summer
as memories mock me, never letting me forget

I can’t rearrange it, and I’ve lost even more
glimpses of it; I blacked out once, and woke up
ready to smash my bathroom mirror. If my alter ego dies,
I’ll gladly send it to sea;
phantasmagoria
I was quiet in a moment, if she dies, I’ll feel nothing;
Gooseflesh stirs upon my sheets,
bones restless from patriarch disease
rubbing alcohol numbs my wounds,
sheltered, like snow-white skin, I’ll sleep
as the rain ends.

© 2021 Pseudopsychosis All Rights Reserved.

Written for the 08/31/2021 dVerse prompt: Oral poetry.

60 thoughts on “as rain ends.”

  1. I always enjoy reading your work, Lucy ❤ This is very dream sequence-esque and reminded me of that scene in Donnie Darko when he’s doubting his own vision as he looks in the mirror.

    I enjoyed the line: “bones restless from patriarch disease” – it reminded me of the Handmaid’s Tale and the agitation the handmaids feel at their predicament. Excuse the film references! I seem to only think that way sometimes!

    Hope you are well ❤

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I do not mind the film references, I actually enjoy them very much and it gives me a broader perspective in how others view my work and even insight to theatre of all kinds (including films). I find it fascinating!

      Thank you so very much. I am doing well, just mainly tired these days. I hope all is well on your end too. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It seems like a nightmare, but this line stood out to me, and kind of made me laugh (the way you do in the midst of something horrible). 😀
    “If my alter ego dies,
    I’ll gladly send it to sea;”

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hahaha, you make me feel like Morrissey when you say that—some of his lyrics are so brutally honest and absurd, I’ve laughed when listening to The Smiths discography.

      I always love reading your thoughts especially with how you interpreted this piece. It’s a nightmare through and through, and I’ve been touching that existential nerve in my chest that makes me question everything. I think I reflect that a little, but I am glad you enjoyed those lines in particular. They were meant to serve as something… confessional but also dark in humor. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, thank you. Pet virus—I stole that from “Milk it” by Nirvana. But, I’ve seen it thrown around here and there, especially with mental illness in poetry and the like. It’s an interesting branch of imagery in those two words.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is deliciously dark! I especially like; “I left my subconscious to nightmares, a blood-tree to fall on my pet virus, mad before in winter.” Sigh .. epic rhythm and flow here .. kudos, Lucy! 💝💝

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Another intense and introspective piece. As you battle with you self throughout you finally come to this line….
    If my alter ego dies,
    I’ll gladly send it to sea;

    And then interestingly think how boring your life would be without it!
    Well done Lucy.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. How boring it would be indeed. The parts we play build our character, we’re always a different person around different people. A mask beyond the masks we wear these days, really. I thank you so much for your thoughts and feedback, Dwight!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. How heartbreaking the lines ‘a fragmented/ waste of sperm, I am.’ Self-hatred often has a big role to play in mental illness; I think the two go hand in hand, but it’s always unwarranted, and that is the great tragedy. A tragedy you delve into and pick apart so adeptly here Lucy! ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  6. So fricken potent, poignant and powerful. Your poems are like a window into a wounded heart – mind – soul. I gravitate like to the honesty of suffering in this, shards of a dropped glass, on the kitchen floor, to bare feet. I read it twice – I think it gave me “neurochemical duress”.

    Always a journey, being here, amongst your words. ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I agree whole heartedy, my favorite lines in this piece. This is why i compare you to plath…aahhh PLLLEEEAAASSSEEEEEE let me create a manuscript for you so your work can be published

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ah, Rys, you are too sweet. Thank you so much for both your kind words and the beautiful offer. ❤ I really did/do not know what to say which is why I have deliberated for a bit over my own response. You are a great friend and I do not ask anything of you especially if it would be an inconvenience.

        While also not wanting to be a bother, I am greatly troubled by my own work and what is good and what is terrible. I would love to have a manuscript, I will not lie, I just am disturbed by how to categorize my pieces, along with many things I am unhappy with in my older poems. With that said, I imagine you must have went through similar struggles with your past two books, so I suppose I can get through this eventually which also gives me hope to have that fire again.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I hated nearly every piece until I got it all together. And it helps having an outside perspective. I’d genuinely really enjoy helping you create a manuscript, I need a new project on the weekends when I’m not working

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, John. I am happy you enjoyed my poem. Apologies for such a delayed response, I had been burnt out from poetry and am really only now just slowly inching back into it.

      Liked by 1 person

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