letting Eve into the garden
that palisade dragging that locus
of my own death.
This time, I think of God
where this winter, I am falling apart;
swaddle me or not, I cannot even cry.
In so few words, fragmentary and moving about
as if excessive but that’s all it is:
in a moment, I forgot who I was.
In a moment,
sometimes, I feel a bullet calling to my head
like a magnet. Not my suicide,
but peering through the walls—as an accident—
since I was a child.
I had the oddest tendencies and thoughts,
a pupa only dreaming to drown in the water,
like my grandfather; war machine and abandoned.
I have all the potential to be an alcoholic
like him; it could be something we have in common
as I never knew him growing up.
It’s in my blood, after all,
and now I dream of the bottle.
This body twists, I am fragmentary.
betweenness; otherness in the summer grass,
yellow grass of my childhood home.
that otherness, that ether-ness
I despise it and it despises me.
Anticipation; the multiples in my head;
touch me or not, I’ll take another place.
It’s easy since I don’t keep friends.
I would shun the moon,
she gave nothing but light
to a heart that still bleeds over;
her eyes are entirely dissonant
in excess, and all of it goes to nature
like Saturn eating his son like the chicken [he is].
My hero turned out to be a monster,
it sinks further in my chest; frail leaves
and empty words spill—spill;
rejecting my own grief,
the baby forms in the womb
it starts here, right here—
Sickly child, I was,
small hole in heart,
the lonely birth; a baby cries.
© 2021 Pseudopsychosis All Rights Reserved.
I don’t exactly know my headspace when writing this, other than going through my own grief this holiday season. I have a very close relative that may have cancer, but we won’t know for sure until a couple weeks; with all the limbo, it’s absolutely heartbreaking and stressful. Why am I sharing this with over four thousand strangers and counting? Fuck if I know. It’s good to let it out.
And also over four-thousand people (including bots and probably a few who just want to watch me crash and burn, but hey cheers, you do you, I guess?) that follow this site, it amazes me, you all amaze me. I know it’s small potatoes compared to other sites but I really do appreciate the support you give and how uplifting you are, along with reading your poetry and connecting with you. It really reinstates my faith in humanity. Thank you and I hope you’re all doing okay too. I feel like the holiday season can be tough for many.
This piece was originally going to be the modified version of Do not tell me what I was (which was selfishly delving into a bit with what I am going through now), but this metamorphosed into a theme unlike the one in that poem.
Some of the lines in this piece are autobiographical; alcoholism is in my family, and I’m afraid of succumbing to it in my bloodline–to the point it manifests in my nightmares. I was born with a small hole in my heart that eventually closed up, and my parents visited me in the NICU everyday. I wasn’t quite a sickly child, but I went through stomach problems and GI issues throughout my pre-teen years to now in my twenties, so that clears up that. If anyone has seen Repo! The Genetic Opera, a low-budget horror musical, I still somewhat relate to Infected, both with physical and mental health problems. Alexa PenaVega nailed that teenage angst sound well.
As for the suicide references, I think it’s anxiety or intrusive thoughts causing that feeling. I’m not actively suicidal though I have struggled with plenty of thoughts in the past. I try to take it day by day, and having supportive parents and friends helps me keep going.
I guess the latter half of this poem mixes all those different feelings. The hero-monster line, though, was when finding out Anne Sexton sexually abused her daughter, Linda Gray Sexton, throughout her childhood; and I’m not saying Sexton was my poetry hero, but damn, it just goes to show that you really don’t know anything about your own “heroes.”
Also was inspired by some of João-Maria‘s work throughout this piece. Be sure to check him out if you haven’t.